Feline in therapy

Brave and bold - an adventure

2010-01-13T23:18:00.004+11:00

It was Sunday. Ellen was having drinks in the driveway. I decided to be brave.

She left the front door open and so I too ventured out into the driveway. It was fun. At first I found a comfy spot beneath the bushes in the neighbour's front garden. From here I had a great view down the driveway, and could watch E with all her silly friends.

Then I decided to do some exploring. From unit 4, I stole stealthily down to the front grass and garden area of unit 3. Here, under the cover of shade of the lemon tree, I snooped around the garden, which was strangely fenced off by chicken wire.

Then I went even further. Emboldened by my success (and the lack of the usual driveway felines -- not sure where they were) I slunk into the garden of unit 2! This was the furthest I have ever progressed. Ellen and her silly friends were marvelling at my bravery. I even took advantage of the earth to . . . er . . . well I'm sure you can guess.

Alas, my adventure was interrupted by one of the silly neighbours thundering out the door and startling me. Just in case he brought with him Fluffy-no-ears or Zimmy-the-trespasser I scampered back to our own front door, where E let me inside.

After that I reclined on my cushion watching all from this splendorous comfort. Enough adventuring for one day.

Eye can still spy

2009-12-16T23:43:00.004+11:00

We heard from Dr Chloe today and the FANTASTIC news is that after much debate among the various eye specialists at Animal Eye Care in Malvern, they have decided I get to keep my eye for the time being. Woo hoo!

It's not the end of the road yet, though. We will still be monitoring it carefully for any change, but they reckon it can't be cancerous yet, because if it were I'd probably be dead already. (Sobering thought.)

So, we go back in February for another check up and see what happens after that . . .

Caught on film

2009-11-08T22:54:00.003+11:00

It's really getting a bit ridiculous. I could be forgiven for thinking Ellen doesn't live here any more. Last weekend she was away for four days straight, and then she went away again this weekend. She's home now, but I'm not talking to her.

Last weekend, she was away so long that Sal and Dave from unit 7 came by to feed me. Although Ellen had warned me they were coming, they took me a bit by surprise, because they brought in a video camera and filmed me! For most of the time I was on my best behaviour . . . but then I'm afraid I forgot and . . . well, let's just say I drew blood. Oops. And now there's proof. Maybe I'll post it as a 'how to be a devilcat' video!

New neighbour

2009-11-03T12:48:00.003+11:00

I've just found out that a new cat has moved in next door! She doesn't go outside much and seems to be a timid little thing. I can't decided whether to be friends or whether to terrorise. After all, I am rather used to considering the backyard next door as MY territory, even though that evil fluffy ginger cat comes a-wandering over from time to time. I must find out her name . . .

Best weekend ever!

2009-09-13T23:26:00.002+10:00

What a great couple of days! The only slight hiccup in my weekend of freedom came this evening when I chucked up my dinner in my bowl, so I had to wait for E to come home and feed me again. (Because, unlike some felines, I do NOT like to eat regurgitated foodstuffs if I can avoid it.)

But, otherwise, I had a fantastic time! There was the inevitable altercation with the evil ginger cat, plus I had some fun chuckling at White Fluffball, who's had his ears cut off. (I shouldn't laugh, I really shouldn't, particularly when I'm in danger of having my eye cut out! All we need is for Zimmy to lose his tongue and the driveway cats will resemble the three wise monkeys . . .) Anyway, I'd rather lose my ears than my eye . . . But I digress . . .

Home alone . . . no rules or regulations, no curfew . . . no noise to wake me up from snoozing. It really is a great life.

Now E's home though, I do rather like snuggling up and getting cuddles. It's the best of both worlds!

Cyclops soon?

2009-08-27T22:33:00.002+10:00

Well, it looks like I'm not out of the woods yet. Here's the latest photo of my eye, taken last week. My specialist, Chloe, is in discussions with her colleague about whether or not they should rip it out. I'm trying not to think about it.

Bright lights!

2009-08-19T23:44:00.003+10:00

Got dragged off to the eye specialist today. If it's not one thing, it's another. I'm either suffering home alone in silence, while E goes out socialising, or being shoved into the carrier and subjected to trauma.

And so today they turn all the lights down, luring me into a false sense of security, then they shine bright lights straight in my eye!! Sheesh. AND they take a gazillion photos of it, with the flash spearing me time and again. Hateful.

The only good to come out of it was the knowledge that it'll probably be six months before I get subjected to that again.

I heard Dr Chloe say that if the eye had been cancerous when she first saw it over a year ago, I would now be dead. So in view of that, she reckons it's not cancerous. Hmph. Cold comfort!

Battered & bruised

2009-08-04T23:49:00.003+10:00

Feeling sorry for myself at present. The past couple of months have been lovely and peaceful (once Jeddah went home) but I had a bit of a run-in with the evil ginger cat yesterday.

I was feeling so battered and sore that I couldn't bring myself to get out of my cushion all evening -- not even when E got home and put my food out. She came over all scrunch-faced, wanting to know what was wrong, but it's not as though she understands when I speak is it? All I could do was growl menacingly when she started feeling around for broken bits.

Then she went outside and found all the fur on the deck and made squawking noises. For a few moments I thought she was going to drag me off to the vet. Like that would make me feel better? Humans are deluded. Praise the catgods, she didn't.

Anyway, by 1am I was so hungry I dragged myself over to the food bowl and then went into E's bed for the night.

Feeling better today, although still SORE. God I HATE that cat.

Farewell Chug

2009-07-02T23:59:00.001+10:00

Chug moved away the other day. Much as he was a pesky little canine critter, I think I'll miss poking fun at him through the window.

Ah well, life goes on. There are still Fluffy and Zimmy to laugh at as the cars in the driveway play chicken!

dog rumour

2009-06-04T22:44:00.003+10:00

The dog is still here. Ugh. However, I hear a rumour that he is going with E to the island this weekend, so maybe that means I'll get to stay here on my own. Bliss. Can't wait.

But what if I get dragged down there as well? I couldn't imagine anything worse. Whiskers crossed, I'll be spared the trauma and I'll get my house - and my garden - back.

Demented

2009-06-01T23:54:00.003+10:00

Life sucks. I've been completely off my food with Jeddah here and now I'm starving.

How can one dog take over the place completely? Everything revolves around him. He STILL has pride of place on the sofa and now he hogs my garden all day as well. I can't even go outside unless I want to encounter the stupid mutt.

And - get this - Ellen keeps taking him for walks. I know for a fact she missed a netball game on the weekend because she felt sorry for the stupid dog. And so she came home especially for him and all he did was sleep! (Yeah well OK, so she also had some work to do, which was a ridiculous sense of priority.) AND she keeps picking up his poop. She's gone demented and soft.

After eating nothing all weekend I finally regained my appetite today, but I still managed to chuck half my food up again. Well, if this doesn't help me lose weight, I don't know what will!

Canine alert

2009-05-28T21:47:00.003+10:00

Well, that's just great. Brilliant even. I've barely gotten over my pee problems and now I have to deal with Jeddah. He's here. In my house. For 10 days. 10 DAYS!

He came prancing in this evening all hoity toity, having just put poor little Chug next door in his place (never did I think to feel sorry for Chug!) and has made himself quite at home. He's got pride of position with Ellen on the sofa, snoring contentedly, and unless I want him to eat all my food, I have to get fed on the kitchen table.

I was so revolted by his presence that I spewed up all my food. I'm really not sure how I'm going to survive this week.

Latest photo of my eye

2009-05-10T21:45:00.001+10:00

Still got my eye

2009-05-08T19:23:00.003+10:00

The good news is that I get to keep my eye for another three months at least! Went to the specialist this evening (and I behaved extremely well, I might add), and once again suffered Dr Rachel and her accomplice to shine bright lights into my eye, and poke it and prod it, and take photos of it. Not pleasant! And I didn't scratch once! (Although I did hiss quite a few times.)

Anyway, Dr Rachel thinks it might have changed a little bit, but not too much, and she didn't think there were any raised lesions, so I don't know what Ellen was on about. All in all, they dithered and muttered and postulated and prevaricated, until they finally decided that the odds were slightly in my favour and I should come back in another 3 months.

So that's what we'll do I guess.

PS - Ellen is scooting off down to the island this weekend and leaving me home alone. And after I behaved so well too! Ah well, I guess it's better to be home than dragged down there.

A few things:

2009-05-04T23:15:00.005+10:00

1. I am back on a diet and NOT loving it. Gross, yuck, hungry! All the time! Diets suck.

2. My eye (the one that changed colour) has a ridge in it. Ellen thinks they're going to rip it out. I have to go see the eye specialist again.

3. I think Ellen likes Chug the pesky dog next door better than me. Every night recently, she's gone to say hello to him, before she says hello to me. Before she even comes inside! He goes all yappy and licky and makes her feel special. She should know it's just a con. Dogs are pathetic.

Vet check

2009-04-27T10:16:00.002+10:00

Well, I'm just back from the vet and got an excellent bill of health. The vet said my weight is great and that I'm well muscled and very fit, which he said was a rarity among cats these days, but comes from my hardly ever being inside. So, Chenna dear, I guess you're not alone in the being-starved-for-my-health cat files. You have my commiserations. Meanwhile, I should get outside and back on that roof. Don't know why I came down in the first place -- ah, yes, the promise of milk, and instead I got poked and prodded and jabbed. Life is so unfair.

Pathetic (reputation shattered)

2009-04-13T06:51:00.002+10:00

Ellen is home.

For three weeks I've been planning and plotting how I'm going to punish her, so that when she got home she would vow and declare never to do it again. (So, I'll admit it. Being home alone isn't all it's cracked up to be. A weekend is fine. No worries. But three weeks? That's just cruel and BORING.)

Many things passed through my mind (some of which Beth has alluded to in her previous post). But how to make it really good? A punishment worthy of the period of time? After all, I've been known to leave deposits after a mere weekend! Surely three weeks deserves something more. Bigger. Grander. More of a statement! (And bodily fluids are so passe!)

So I had it all worked out. I was going to hide. Hide, so that she thought I'd run away. I was going to stay away all day, make her feel really bad. (As well as all the bodily fluid deposits of course.)

But in this I have failed dismally. I took one look at her this morning and disintegrated into a blubbering mess. I meowed and cried and sooked, and followed her around the house, completely unbelieving she was finally home and fearful she would disappear again.

I am so PATHETIC. I still cannot allow her to leave my sight. The mere thought makes me quake.

I didn't even leave her ANY deposits. I clean forgot.

So much for my devilcat reputation!

What Chenna's really doing while E is away

2009-04-06T09:09:00.003+10:00

Yes, yes, so this was taken at the island, but now we know, cats, that our friend Chenna is collaborating. Oh, all right, she's only collaborating with E!

Here's what we do know: the devilcat writes -- this blog is proof of that -- and here's the photographic evidence. She's working on a novel, I hear. What does everyone think it's about? The stupidity of man? Of dogs? The soft, fat bellies of mice and how good their gizzards taste? Or is she perhaps in the planning stages -- and writing the story of a very naughty cat who's owner has gone away, and all of the naughty things she's going to get up to. If I were E, I'd be scared. Very, very scared.

Tricksy

2009-03-28T00:42:00.003+11:00

So. She really did it. Went away and left me. It's after midnight on Friday and it's been nearly a week. All on my own.

I've been very good. Haven't left any deposits on the floor. I've even sussed out my cat door and I can roam free all night and all day (when I'm not sleeping on my cushion).

Thelma from next door is feeding me -- hasn't forgotten once! I've decided I'm going to try not to hiss at her, because if I keep hissing she might stop feeding me, and that would be BAD. So I'm TRYING to be on my best behaviour.

But every so often I play a little trick on her. Sometimes I see her coming and I bolt out of my cushion and hide somewhere in the house - or outside - just so I can watch her crawl around the house looking for me (he he he).

But I'm trying to be on my best behaviour.

When the human's away ...

2009-03-26T13:56:00.002+11:00

... the cat will play! Doesn't E know this? Ooh, with such a naughty cat in the house I hate to think what she might come home to. So, all your readers are wondering, Devilcat, what you have in store for her.

Will you shred the curtains? Sharpen your claws on her lounge suite? Leave fleas in her bed? What about a deposit on the floor somewhere? (You might have to leave this till she's almost back or the neighbours might clean it up, and that would defeat the whole purpose.) Oh, what has come over me? I think I must be channelling you!

Oh, my life is so ho-hum in comparison. It's turning colder, and I want those no good dogs out of the house!

And do you like my new blue writing? I've decided that as guest blogger I need my own colour -- what do you think, oh naughty one?

3 weeks

2009-03-22T23:57:00.004+11:00

I don't believe it. Ellen has gone away for THREE WEEKS and left me home all alone. I simply can't believe it.

I thought a week was bad enough. How am I supposed to last three?

She's installed a new cat flap that has a magnetic clasp, so now I have to push my through the door. It took me a couple of days to figure it out -- I thought it was locked when it wasn't!

And she has all her new neighbour-buddies coming in to feed me twice a day. I never get a moment's peace!

Hmph. You'll be hearing more from me soon!

More bad behaviour

2009-03-12T21:41:00.003+11:00

Things are not all well at home. Ellen is going away soon and she's leaving me home all alone for three weeks! The neighbours will be around to keep me company, but it won't be the same. I hope she gets my catdoor fixed first! The new one hasn't been fitted yet.

Anyway, as a precaution she made me go to the vet yesterday. HATE the vet. I let her know it too. I did NOT behave very well. A true devilcat. He he he.

So I had my vaccinations. And then I was weighed.

Not good. It looks like I'm going to have to go on a diet again! The last one I went on (last year) didn't work, and it turns out that Ellen bought the wrong food. So she put me though the torture all for nothing. So now when she's back from her trip I'll have to go back on the diet food.

Not happy!

Meeting the neighbours

2009-03-08T10:14:00.004+11:00

Ellen doesn't seem to be home very much these days. And when she IS home, she seems to be hanging out in the driveway outside with the neighbours. (How weird is that?) Most of the time, I'm left stuck inside watching through the window, with the neighbours poking fun at me if I stick my head through the venetians. Mean.

Last night, E came home and they were dancing in the driveway. Yes, dancing. They'd been doing it for quite a while before she came home, and sure enough she came inside, fed me, locked my cat door, and then went outside to join them. Not sure I saw her dancing per se, but I definitely heard her singing.

Anyway, she left the front door open in invitation for me to go out and join in as well. So I thought I might as well go see what was so exciting about the neighbours. After all, some of them are the ones who have those pesky driveway felines -- Fluffy (white fluffball) and Zim Zam (the ginger cat). And sure enough, they were there too. I was a bit nervous, because Zimmy and I have had many an altercation in the past (when he invades MY GARDEN), but I've not had much to do with Fluffy (who never strays far from the driveway) except to laugh every time E nearly runs him over.

Fluffy was immediately heading in my direction, perhaps being friendly, not sure. I certainly wasn't sticking around to find out. But then I got braver and came out again, and Fluffy and I eyed each other off from a distance.

But then Zim Zam showed up again and ruined everything. He bolted up and pounced on Fluffy, telepathically screaming: That's my favourite tormentor-plaything. Mine. You keep away and don't spoil all my fun!

Zimmy and me really are NOT friends.

After that, Fluffy kept his distance and I went back inside to wait for Ellen, who finally came in and then I snuggled up beside her and went to sleep.

the entertainment

2009-02-25T23:20:00.003+11:00

I survived the writer-a-thon. Just. Spent much of the weekend curled up under E's doona (cosy) or nagging at her for attention. I have a sneaking suspicion I was the entertainment, however. One of E's friends spent an inordinate amount of time watching me and grinning whenever I did anything. I started to get a complex. The other one turned out to be one of Beth's humans, and I didn't know whether I should hold it against her. I thought maybe I should.

Home now, though. It's nice to be home.

Holiday with boring writers

2009-02-21T18:02:00.004+11:00

Right. So we're going down to the island this weekend. Ellen broke it to me a couple of days ago. She doesn't want to leave me home alone until she's installed the new cat flap -- the one where the magnet works -- all because of the stupid invading ginger cat -- and so I get dragged down to Cowes again.

Must say I'm a little peeved, because she actually HAS the new cat flap but she hasn't installed it yet. She tried for a bit the other evening, then harrumphed off in frustration because she couldn't work out how to get the existing one off. I tried to tell her just to break it, but she wouldn't have a bar of that.

And so I have to endure the 2 hour car journey and being confined inside using a litter tray for three days.

But if THAT wasn't bad enough, now I find out that there are now others coming as well! Off she goes this morning to meet with her writing friends, and comes back with the news that at least two of them are going to come down as well!

So now I have to endure a holiday AND a house full of boring writers.

Prayer

2009-02-12T23:55:00.004+11:00

Oh blessed catgods

In these trying times, we pray that you will take and keep safe the souls of our cat kindred who perished in the bushfires.

I know that you might feel inclined not to listen to a self-confessed devilcat, but for the sake of those poor felines who couldn't get out of their houses, or who simply couldn't outrun the fire, or who perished from smoke, please hear my prayer.

I promise that I will no longer envy country cats who have easy access to all the birds they want, or native nocturnal marsupials, and instead give thanks that I am safe in suburbia, with my very own cat door that will ensure I never get locked inside.

We also pray for all the other animals that perished in the blaze: horses, koalas, kangaroos . . . oh, and I suppose some dogs died as well. I might as well pray for them too.

Blessed catgods, hear my prayer.

Acat

Dead

2009-02-06T18:54:00.001+11:00

And for all we laughed, there was a dead possum in our yard, and I swear I was not behind it. A friend of ours found a dead possum under its favourite branch of her tree. She said with the heat there are dead possums and bats all over Melbourne. Sad.

Where are you, Chenna? E hasn't starved you to death yet has she?

Not dead either

2009-01-31T00:58:00.004+11:00

Well, I just want to say that I was so inspired by your post that at dinnertime tonight, I didn't show up. And after the 45 degree heat, my family feared the worst. It was naughty, I know, but I couldn't help it. Just once, I wanted to have a Chenna moment, and I can't really come at all that bitey scratchy stuff. I shouldn't have done it, especially since I got to go for a walk this morning before 7 am, and the stupid dogs got left home. Ha ha, I think that's very funny. Here's proof -- me having a lovely roll in the swamp. Yes, evidence of fighting, but that's just to prove I'm tough in my own way, Chenna baby!

Not dead

2009-01-29T23:28:00.003+11:00

Tonight Ellen keeps asking me if I'm dead.

I suppose she could be forgiven for thinking I might be, because it's so HOT that all I can do is languish pathetically on the 'cool' timber floor.

But the lack of concern in her voice is disconcerting. Would she care if I was dead? I like to think she would.

Anyway, I'm not dead. Just Hot. And a little delirious. Obviously.

Living without dogs

2009-01-28T08:31:00.003+11:00

This last week my humans were away, so like Chenna I was out and about, living it up, and -- even better -- chilling out in my own backyard. Why is that such a big deal, I hear you ask, and the answer, of course, is dogs. You see, while the dogs are there, I am not.

The Blonde Bimbo's okay. She's a big klutzy bumbling thing -- she even wags her bum, not just her tail, when she sees me. But Little Red Rat Face (also known in cat circles as the Red Terror) wants to eat me. I know it. She knows it. The humans know it. The only one who doesn't seem to know it is the Blonde Bimbo, but she's dumb. As in dog dumb. Oh, yes, she *is* a dog. I forget. (I am so witty!)

So the humans went away, and the dogs went away. I don't know if they all went away together -- I suspect not because the dogs went first. But if they did all go together I would be entirely put out, because obviously a cat is so much better company than a dog. But anyway the important thing is I had the backyard to myself -- the backyard and the aviary. I could sit all day watching for mice. Bliss! I could wander at will. I could laze around the deck and not have to get to the swamp via my tightrope act on the fence. Bliss.

But, of course, all good things must come to an end (see, I'm wise, too), and they came back: the dogs, the humans, though not in that order. And then the backyard was again somewhere I have to be selective about visiting. Only yesterday I forgot. I was ambling down the yard when I spied a human hanging up wet things on the strange leafless tree, and the two great lunks lying at her feet.

I did what all self-respecting cats did: I froze. Took in the situation. Assessed the danger. Wondered where my brain was and how I'd got myself into that situation. Then I miaowed. It was meant to be a quiet miaow for the human's ears only (better to let sleeping dogs lie and all of that), only it came out louder than I meant. The Blonde Bimbo got up, wagging her bum, and walked towards me. I backed away, not so much worried about her but that she might attract the attention of Little Red Rat Face. Fortunately, though, it didn't happen -- that idiot was still lying safely in snoozeland. All the same, I made for the fence. No use taking unnecessary risks, eh?

Crotchety neighbours

2009-01-26T21:34:00.004+11:00

I'm not sure whether I should be amused or annoyed -- but I think I'm amused.

Ellen got an earful from some of the neighbours today -- not the nice friendly ones, but the crotchety elderly couple in unit 3. They accused me of defecating in their garden and making it all smelly so they can't open their window.

I mean, REALLY!

The only time I ever go out into the driveway is when Ellen lets me. She tried to explain that I only ever use the back garden (right under Ellen's window, in fact, and I've never heard her complain), but they wouldn't believe her.

Then they said they'd SEEN me. What liars! And then it turned out that they'd 'seen' me at 1am and Ellen was able to smugly tell them that I'm always locked in overnight (except for when she's away and leaves the cat door open, but she didn't mention that).

It all started getting quite nasty, with the little old woman moaning about how they were surrounded by cats on all sides (and this is in fact true, although why they had to pick on me when there are two other cats that practically live in our driveway), but then the old man started backing down and trying to be reasonable.

Who knows how it will all turn out. All I can say is that no neighbours are perfect, and it's not such a good idea to get people offside, particularly when everyone else is so chummy. Chug the spoodle next door will no doubt be the next one to incur their wrath. I saw him in their garden this afternoon . . . he'd better watch out!

Chug the Spoodle

2009-01-20T22:58:00.006+11:00

ALERT! A canine has moved in next door!

Ellen, the traitor, was spotted actually cuddling said canine pup, which is that strange breed known as a Spoodle. I mean, really. Spoodle? No self-respecting feline would ever be known by such a ridiculous label.

Ellen seems to think 'Chug' is rather adorable. She came up to the front door, cradling the cretin in her arms and told me (on the other side of the fly wire screen) that we were going to be fabulous friends.

As if. AS IF! Friends with a dog? Me? And what a floppy, teeny weeny ragdoll-like pup it is.

Chug. Hmmm. Chug the Spoodle. (Snigger)

0.4kg down

2009-01-16T21:00:00.003+11:00

What a weird week. Scorchingly hot, and now rather cool. When it was hot, I didn't feel like eating much. And now it's cool, all I'm faced with is that dreadful -- well, I'm not going to go on about that anymore.

The good news is that I think I've actually lost some weight! Ellen weighed me this morning, and I'm down by 0.4kg, which as a percentage of my body weight is fairly significant. Cool, huh?

Ellen's friend Lita actually said I was looking good, and that it wasn't my fault I had a flabby tummy. I like her.

anti-diet strategy

2009-01-09T20:26:00.002+11:00

I'm still off my food, but for a completely different reason. I simply CAN'T STAND the diet food Ellen keeps trying to feed me. It's DISGUSTING.

So now I either leave it there and pester Ellen until she gives me some of the real stuff. Or I chuck it up again in an attempt to make Ellen stop feeding it to me.

Today I chucked up on the couch, and I know it's bothering Ellen, as she sits there, because she keeps wrinkling her nose. Even though she cleaned it up. I think she'll need to use something stronger to get the smell out.

He he he

Off my food

2009-01-04T21:43:00.002+11:00

Thank the cat gods that's over. Three days locked inside, all alone. Forced to use litter trays. Simply awful.

At least there were three litter trays to chose from, although I only needed one. I found I lost my appetite through the whole ordeal actually. At first I kept coughing up hairballs and then I couldn't keep any food down. So there was quite a lot of food left over.

But I survived. And aside from leaving piles of half-digested food for Ellen to clean up, I didn't make any mess at all.

But I do hope my cat door gets fixed soon!

Prisoner (complete overreaction)

2009-01-01T11:49:00.006+11:00

I should have guessed that Ellen would completely overreact and start locking me inside every day now. Basically, unless she's home, she locks my cat door so I can't get out.

And last night, when I finally managed to get outside, she locked me out all evening! She's certainly never done that before. So there I was, forced to stay outside until she got home at almost midnight!

And NOW she tells me she's going to the island for a few days, leaving me locked inside the whole time! She's putting additional litter trays down, and the auto-flying-saucer-feeder, and then I'm stuck here with my own company until Saturday night!

I can't wait until she gets my flap fixed and the magnet works again. That will hopefully mean she'll allow the door to stay open when she goes away, because the evil demon ginger cat will be unable to get inside.

I confess I would probably rather go with her to the island, even with that pesky Jeddah dog there, than stay at home locked inside on my own. (sob)

(And now, to make matters worse, that evil ginger cat is once more trying to get inside my door! That'll just convince Ellen that she's right. Sheesh!!)

Home invasion

2008-12-28T22:49:00.004+11:00

I wasn't too impressed -- and not a little traumatised -- this morning when my home was invaded by a demon ginger cat! The evil one followed me inside, completely disregarding feline etiquette which states that houses are sacrosanct. Whoever heard of having to defend oneself in one's own living room?

So there we were, screeching and wrestling in the living room and the fur went flying (mine I regret to advise) and then Ellen bounded out of bed (for she had crawled back under the covers like a lazybones after opening my door this morning) and the evil demon cat ran away.

I moped about feeling sorry for myself while Ellen cleaned up the fur and some other regrettable mess, and then she locked me inside while she went out to breakfast. I believe she spent the morning asking after replacement cat flaps, because the whole reason the evil one could get in was because the magnetic mechanism no longer works owing to a previous repair job on the cat flap using non-magnetic strips of aluminium.

I confess I'm now a little uneasy because it's hard to relax inside when any moment I might be attacked by the evil one. I don't know what Ellen's going to do tomorrow when/if she goes out. I know she hates the idea of trespassing cats getting inside, especially the evil demon ginger cat. I have a feeling I might be locked inside all day. Not fun. But then, neither is being invaded.

At least it wasn't Zim Zam who attacked me. He is the ginger cat who lives in the driveway, and although we have regular confrontations, I know he would never break the taboo against entering the house of another cat!

electric dreams

2008-12-16T21:37:00.002+11:00

Thought you'd be interested to know that I've become rather attached to sleeping on top of the computer power transformer. Well, if Ellen will insist on sitting at her desk all the time, what else is a faithful feline to do but keep her company? I've tried her lap, but she gets wriggly. This way, I'm not in anybody's way and I get a nice warm buzz under my shoulder. Very soothing.

Cunning plan

2008-12-09T21:00:00.002+11:00

I have a cunning plan to make Ellen stop feeding me diet rubbish food: pee on the floor! It's starting to work, I can feel it. My little messages of the past couple of days are having their effect!

Let me explain. I have been on a special diet for the last year or so, specially designed to prevent me from having bladder inflammation etc. (Enough said.) But by mixing the diet rubbish food with my special food, there's a chance it will stop having the positive effect, and I'll start having problems again. A sure sign of this is 'inappropriate peeing'.

And so my cunning plan is to make Ellen think this is happening! For the past couple of days I've left strategically placed messages, and now I can see her mind churn around . . . what's worse, a fat cat or pee on the floor? (I know which one she'll pick.)

Stay tuned for more news from this frightfully clever feline.

Still here!

2008-12-07T19:26:00.007+11:00

Sorry it's been a while since I've posted -- almost four months in fact. But the good news is that I'm still here!

After that last incident, Ellen took me down to the island for a four-day weekend in November. I guess that'll teach me to make a statement! But it was nice to have a change of scene. I was very good while I was down there, and so long as my litter gets changed every day there's no reason for me to make a statement.

About three weeks ago, Ellen put me on a diet. She's been threatening this for months now, and the vet even e-mailed a suggested food scheme. But it took E so long to actually implement it that I assumed she'd forgotten. Not so lucky. Now, half my food comprises these disgusting diet pellets. They look like my normal food, but they are no more than a 'cheap' imitation. Yuck. I have to eat them, or else I'll starve, but I don't notice any weight coming off yet! (Not that I'm in any way fat, or anything.)

The week before last, we went back to the eye specialist. You know, the one who wants to yank my eye out? Well, I did NOT want to go there, and I made sure E knew it. She was so certain I would be good so long as she fed me before we went, but I wasn't falling for that again. To make it even more worthwhile, the vet had students witness my examination, and I'm not sure they'd ever encountered such a devilcat as I. Ha Ha! I showed them! Hiss, spit, scratch. In the end they had to wrap me up in a towel. (I didn't like that so much.)

Here's a photo of my eye -- the one that changed colour. I'll try to post photos after each examination -- for I have to go back AGAIN in another four months. But at least I get to keep my eye for the time being. The specialist vets are fascinated by my eye, and have evidently been asking other opinions in on-line vet chatrooms. Cool huh?

But do you know how off-putting it is hearing people talk about ripping your eye out? As though it was a splinter or something! I mean REALLY! This is my EYE we're talking about!

Unappreciated present

2008-08-18T22:08:00.002+10:00

Ah well, it was great while it lasted. Had a fab few days here on my own, but Ellen came home this afternoon and now I have to share the house with her again.

While she was gone, I could go anywhere I wanted, in and out of the house.

Just so she'd appreciate me, I left her a little present in her study. After all, she spends so much time in there . . .

I was up on the edge of her desk -- just wishing she were here for a bit of extra food, lounging beside her keyboard -- and I needed to, well, you know, GO.

So I popped my rear over the edge of the desk and went!

It's becoming a favourite game of mine to watch Ellen sniff her way around the house when she gets home, looking for my present . . . She creeps around on her hands and knees, sniff sniff sniffing . . . And then with a yelp she finds it!

It's all cleaned up now. I don't think she liked my present much, actually.

More alone time

2008-08-13T21:10:00.002+10:00

A ha! Another five days of alone time. I'm gonna roam outside all night, get into fights, raid the pantry, pee all over the floor, catch rodents and leave them on the rug . . .

Sigh. Bliss.

Four mice in under twenty-four hours

2008-08-08T23:13:00.001+10:00

Yes, how great am I, oh Chenna-devil cat? But you know what? I can't take all the credit. There's some new and exciting developer out there who deserves at least some of the credit for designing the humane mousetrap. Because, you see, the thing is that this trap -- kind of like a little tunnel with a trapdoor -- doesn't kill the mice, doesn't even hurt them. All very well for those silly, squeamish humans, but then what are they going to do with this mouse that they've caught? Let it go? I don't think so.

The most humane thing, of course, is to give it to the cat. Then, the poor little rodent, they reason, at least has a chance of getting away. Let me say this, humans: we cats are rolling on the floor, laughing our arses off. A chance to get away. Yeah, right.

I'm feeling full now. Decidedly full. It's a nice feeling.

HUNGRY

2008-07-25T19:22:00.002+10:00

Hey, Ellen -- where the hell are you? How come it's nearly half past seven on a Friday and You're still not home? I'm HUNGRY dammit! HUNGRY.

Suffering from an Evil Eye

2008-07-16T22:57:00.005+10:00

It's been a while since I've posted -- sorry about that. Truth is, life has been trucking along nicely. I had another night home alone and I'm starting to get used to the whirring, speaking, food contraption. Sometimes I think who needs Ellen when I've got that?

Except I do need Ellen. Today's rather sobering experience has brought it all home.

We visited the opthamologist this evening. Ellen has been going on and on about my left eye, which has changed colour over the past year or so. Maybe longer. I haven't thought much of it, but we asked Dr Caroline to look at it when we visited last month and she recommended we visit a specialist.

So today we saw Dr Chloe. And now it seems as though it might be something serious after all. Or at least it might lead to something serious. Melanoma of the iris - skin cancer of the eye! Dr Chloe says if it changes colour, goes darker, I might even need to have my eye removed!

What can you say to something like that? How would I go with only one eye? I've heard that cats can't judge distance when they only have eye. This makes leaping onto things hard. (It's hard when you're carrying a bit of extra weight as well!) And probably Ellen would make me stay inside all day, or maybe build me a cat run, instead of being able to go in and out as I choose. But maybe it would be OK . . .

There is a worse scenario of course, but let's not think about that.

I will add, however, that despite these devastating tidings, I behaved beautifully at the eye doctor today. Only one half-hearted swipe and a faint growl. Other than that, I was placid and very very very good. Dr Chloe might actually even like me. (I think it's far too late to make friends with Dr Caroline . . . I really did behave so very badly last time I saw her.)

Ellen is going to take a photo of my eye . . . I'll post it here when it's ready. Will keep you updated on the saga of my evil eye in true devilcat fashion. Is this karma?

Psst -- do you hear what I hear?

2008-07-03T12:43:00.003+10:00

Cats of the world: be alert. I've heard whispers. I've seen photos. Cat proofing. I know it's out there. They might tell us it's to keep our turf clear of other cats marauding, but that's not the real truth. The real truth is that they're trying to keep us in! Us -- I mean what possible harm could we cause? We go out. We rid the streets of pestilence-carrying rats. We sing beautiful songs at night. We sort through rubbish bins. We don't leave messy little piles like those stupid canines, so what possible objection can there be to our being out on the street? What's not to love about a cat? I ask you!

Cats of the world -- take an inventory now. Suss out all those little places humans don't expect we can fit through. Nut out leaping points in case normal access points are covered up with cladding. We are smart. We can find out way out! Dare to find the ways. Go, cats! Go. Remember: nothing and no-one can keep a good cat in!

A week of freedom

2008-06-23T22:33:00.003+10:00

Well I never expected to be left home alone for an entire WEEK! That's what it was in the end. A whole week! Ellen never would have done that before I was five.

The talking food contraption whirred and spat out my food. The first few times I thought Ellen had come home because it played a stupid little message from her. It didn't take long however for me to have it sussed. Humans really do underestimate our intelligence.

The only living human I saw in all that time (aside from neighbours pottering about in the driveway) was Sarah, who came to refill the whirring food contraption a few times. Other than that, no-one. Nothing.

My feline flap was left open for the entire time so I roamed at large when and where I wanted. So aside from the fact that Ellen turned the heating off and the house was freezing, I was quite comfortable. And when it got too cold, I just crawled under the doona.

She came home yesterday and lounged about on the sofa all day while I slept on my cushion. The first thing she did was feed me. The second thing she did was put on the heating! It was very companionable.

Even though I am more than capable of looking after myself (so long as I am fed), it is nice to have her home.

so long as I get fed

2008-06-15T23:17:00.003+10:00

Home alone again. This is the second night -- at least, E isn't home yet and she didn't come home last night and it's pretty late . . .

Now I know what the flying saucer thing was for -- the one that talks. Every morning and evening it whirrs and talks and rotates around until food is revealed. Sarah came around tonight and refilled it, so I can only assume E isn't coming home for another day or so . . .

Bored. But at least I can play outside. And so long as I get fed, I suppose it's not so bad.

A bad feeling . . .

2008-06-12T23:13:00.002+10:00

I have a bad feeling . . . E is up to something. She's getting home from work later and later . . . sometimes I wonder whether she actually lives here!

After leaving me home alone for a night last weekend, I thought she'd have made more of an effort to be around this week.

Even more intriguing, she's spent the last hour or so playing around with a contraption that looks a bit like a flying saucer. It whirs and gyrates and 'talks' to me (in Ellen's voice). And now she's put it down where my food bowl is supposed to go . . .

I have a very bad feeling about this!

Obesity management -- not!

2008-06-08T22:16:00.003+10:00

Things are definitely afoot at the moment, and not in a good way. I've just found out that Dr C and E are colluding on my diet.

It seems that E is actually feeding me not-very-much-at-all (I could have told you that!) so the actual amount that I'm to eat isn't to be reduced at all (thanks to the cat gods). Instead, in order to lose weight (~1/2 kg), I've apparently got to have "royal canin obesity management" food mixed in with my urinary food.

What the --? OBESITY? I am NOT obese!

This is all Ellen's fault. She was the one who asked Dr C if she thought I was fat. And Ellen is the one who has clearly not been encouraging me to do enough exercise. It's her responsibility, not mine.

All this, and I've just been stuck at home alone for 24 hours as well. My life absolutely sucks.

Behaving badly at the vet

2008-06-04T22:49:00.006+10:00

It was just getting to the point when I was sure E had forgotten about my annual vet appointment. Somewhat remarkably for me, I hadn't been subjected to the trauma in over a year, and I was quite happy to keep it that way. But no, she had to remember.

She put me in a bad mood to start with because she didn't feed me as soon as she got home. She oughta know that I require sustenance the moment she arrives. It's been all day, and I'm starving. After all, she doesn't go all day without eating.

So then she stuffs me into the cage and I know something's up. She doesn't have a suitcase, so I know we're not going to the island (thanks to the cat gods). So where then? Oh $#*&, the VET!

First up there's a stupid teeny weeny pug-faced dog yapping at me in the waiting room. That didn't help my mood. It made me grumpy and irritable.

Oh all right, it made me foul. I was absolutely the devilcat from hell.

But no self-respecting feline should ever put up with being prodded and poked and having a light shone in your eyes and jabbed with a big needle and weighed -- how humiliating!

So I growled and I hissed and I scratched and I spat and I growled and I hissed and I scratched and I spat and I . . .

Dr C will probably never talk to me again.

As punishment, she has recommended E take me to an eye specialist AND go on a diet.

#$*&%!!!

There is nothing wrong with my eyes, thank you very much, I can see perfectly well. So what if one of them has changed colour? It still works. (Seems Dr C thinks I should have something called a bilateral retinal exam.) The strange thing is that it seems to have little to do with the colour-change.

And as for the diet . . . well all I can say is that E has tried that before . . . she keeps threatening me with a diet, but never follows through. She's shown she's extremely susceptible to my 'pleading' when it comes to food.

I've got her wound around my little finger.

Bet I can make her forget about the eye doctor. Whoever heard of an animal opthamologist anyway?

PS: For once no urinary issues -- woo hoo!

virtuoso devilcat

2008-05-31T23:37:00.002+10:00

I've been back at my devilcat best this past week. Angelcat? BAH!

A notable event was my destruction of Ellen's bedside lamp. I'm not sure how it happened, but it ended up on the floor early one morning, glass shade shattered into a thousand pieces. You should have seen Ellen jump! (She had been asleep . . .) So E had to get out of the nice warm bed and clean it up.

And then this afternoon (he he he) E was making a nice bagel ready for grilling. She put tuna on it, so of course I wanted some too! I was up on the bench in a flash to drink the juice she left for me. But I finished that fast, so I cast around for some more. And then (he he) I realised I was covered in dirt after lounging in the garden bed, so I shook it all off. All over E's bagel! You should have heard her curse at me. She was not happy, no she wasn't.

Oh yeah, and I chucked up my food a few times this week as well. All in all, a fine devilcat performance!

You wanna know?

2008-05-23T19:56:00.004+10:00

So I suppose you're all wondering what I've been doing? To tell the truth, I've been rather bored, because E hasn't been home much of late. It seems like she's always going out or getting home late. Bah, at least she remembers to feed me most of the time.

The weather is getting cooler now, so I'm spending more time indoors. I suppose I should be doing more exercise -- one of E's friends accused me of being fat the other day! Hmmph I don't think so!

Tonight me and E are sharing a companionable evening in front of the TV. It's nice when she's home, because I can snuggle up on her lap, or crawl under her doona cover. I absolutely hate it when she leaves me at home for a night on my own. But that hasn't happened in a while.

The other night she had one of those stupid party plan evenings. This time it was sheets and stuff. (I was eyeing off one of the rugs to sleep on.) The best bit was when a glass of wine got knocked over and splashed all over E's brand new doona! He he. They all scrambled to clean up the rug and the doona cover. But then she poured white powder stuff all over the carpet. Yuck!

So there you go.

Angelcat

2008-05-04T23:07:00.005+10:00

Hey, whose blog is this anyway? I am still here, but if I choose not to post, then that's my prerogative.

If you must know, the reason I've been so quiet during April is because I've been so GOOD. Nothing to report, whatsoever. No fights, no holidays, no rodents, no blood drawn (well, OK, that's a lie. I've scratched Ellen a few times).

Clearly I don't need therapy anymore. Must be something to do with being five? I am now an angelcat. Perhaps I should start a series of angelcat tips now, just for fun? (Beth could do with some pointers . . .)

Chenna, Chenna, where art thou?

2008-05-01T23:07:00.003+10:00

Hmm, days have passed and still no Chenna! My cat conspiracy theories are going into overdrive! Cats of Melbourne unite! We must sleuth out what has happened to that black-and-white devilcat. After all, curiosity is our thing, isn't it?

So, here's what I think has happened...

Ellen has left food out and those pesky little mices have been eating it, only it wasn't just any food: it was genetically modified mouse food, and those mices have eaten it and eaten it, and there bellies have distended, and their little whiskers have twitched, and their eyes have glazed over, and their bones stretched and cracked and ... and ... and they have grown, and husked off their skins like seedpods from a tree. Anyone know Jones, the famous ginger tom? Starred in the movie Alien alongside a few lesser human actors. That cat could sure act! Oh, I have shivers just thinking about it -- his big face as the alien descended from the ceiling. But I digress. Where was I? Oh, yes, the mices have grown and grown until they are monster-mice, and the monster-mice have got Chenna cornered somewhere, and though Chenna calls and calls Ellen doesn't hear her because she's so engrossed in her writing. I mean how bizarre is that? People -- I just don't get them at all.

So poor Chenna is calling and the monster-mice are whittling away the space between them and her, and if we don't get in fast and rescue her they will devour her. They will! Mark my words. Anyway, maybe you've got a better theory. Why not post it as a comment? Thanks, cool cats.

The score

2008-04-22T23:17:00.001+10:00

Mice: 1 (escape)
Beth: 3

Oi, Chenna, where are you? Down on the island or something? You're very quiet. And you know what they say happens when the cat's away... Maybe you'll be able to beat my tally for the fortnight?

Love those mices to pieces

2008-04-11T00:33:00.002+10:00

Ha ha! I got another one! Cop this one, Chenna: it was on the kitchen bench, running along as if it owned the place. Now, normally, I'm not allowed up there -- as if cats should have such boundaries! I mean, come on! You want me to catch the mice -- you let me be where the mice are.

So, I see the mouse: dark brown, fat, furry. It's running. I'm running. Leap. I'm up. And it's gone. So is the expensive hot chocolate Christmas present powder -- all over the drawers and floor. But who cares about that? Disgusting stuff anyway. I mean, seriously, why can't they do hot choc with sardine overtones? Then I might be interested.

So, I get the mouse, and what do they do? Throw me outside. Are they happy? No, they are not. I'm not supposed to be on the bench. I've made a mess. Yeah, but I caught the mouse. I CAUGHT the mouse! Seriously, people.

Humans -- I just don't get them at all!

My 5 favourite toys

2008-04-06T20:15:00.004+10:00

I've decided to add a category to the series on "favourite things". TOYS. Toys are the best, and most felines can improvise with the most unlikely things to find amusement. Here are my top 5:

1. Rodents -- Oh, yes, rats, mice, large or small. They all do it for me. The past couple of days have been interesting in this department. I had me a rodent on Friday night. Played with it all evening until it hid where I couldn't get it in the bathroom. But eventually it came out and I knew what to do! But then yesterday the weirdest thing happened. One of them came in through my cat door (which doesn't have a door on it yet)! E stood there shrieking at it to go away, then called me over as though I was a servant. Demanded I catch it and take it outside! The thing is, it had climbed up this lattice grid over the window and clung there, calm as you like. I got bored and left E to it. I mean, rodents are loads of fun, but not when you've been ordered to it! She's just trying to diminish my pleasure. Hmmph

2. butterflies & moths -- They flutter around brilliantly and make fantastic toys. They don't squeak though, nor does E shriek, so this diminishes the pleasure somewhat. Nevertheless, if I can't find a rat, a flutterby will do.

3. milk bottle rings -- I think I've blogged on these before. They are great! And even better, E actually provides them for me to play with. They scoot around on the floor brilliantly.

4. tissue paper -- As any self-respecting feline knows, tissue paper means crackle and rustle. Humans hate it! Which means we love it!

5. boxes -- There's nothing quite like a box for pure and simple indulgent fun. The world recedes and there's only the four cardboard walls, the scratching of claws, the reassuring firmness at your back. Give me a box any day.

My 5 favourite snacks

2008-04-03T23:53:00.002+11:00

It seems there's this thing going around, where you tell everyone your 5 favourite things. Thought I'd join in the fun!

My 5 favourite snacks:
1. Royal Canon cat biscuits - specially formulated for cats with bladder problems! So far it's worked a treat (touch wood).
2. Tuna juice - I'd probably like tuna too, if Ellen would let me get near it, but all she leaves me is the juice. Yummy!
3. bolognaise sauce mix (or pretty much anything E cooks in her wok) - licked straight out of the pan!
4. smoked salmon - E usually leaves me a fragment
5. cereal milk - I know milk isn't supposed to be good for cats, but surely the dregs in the cereal bowl couldn't hurt?

More photos

2008-04-02T21:13:00.007+11:00

Yes, well, I think it's disgusting that all the photos are of you, oh-Chenna-princess-and-devilcat-evileye, so here are some of me! Me with the blonde bimbo, and me with little red ratface. Can you tell which one I prefer? And can you tell which one is straining at the lead, trying to eat me! The body language says it all really.

Check out those photos!

2008-03-29T23:14:00.002+11:00

Ah yes, some delightful photos of ME below! You can see I really am quite at home down at the island. That deck is a marvellous place to go exploring -- the birds are really quite something.

Such a shame that Beth wasn't invited, though. I think her human was quite taken with me. (Witness all those photos she took!) We got along very well indeed, T and I. I think I only warned her against coming too close a couple of times, and I'm pretty sure I didn't draw any blood. We're now the best of friends -- she even fed me one morning when E was too lazy to get out of bed.

Maybe for my next holiday, I'll see if I can go visit T and Beth down by the swamp. I must admit I'm intrigued by some of Beth's tales, and I think such a well-travelled feline such as myself needs to go and witness such things first-hand. Some food for thought.

PS -- See, I said I didn't need to go on a diet!

Paranoid cat? What paranoid cat?

2008-03-29T14:38:00.013+11:00

The incriminating evidence!

Okay, so I'm home alone, nothing better to do, so I'm reading Chenna's blog, as you do as any good, self-respecting cat. And there's a post about Chenna being away at the island. All well and good. And then I think, hang on a minute -- T was away last weekend too. Now that in itself doesn't mean much, except that while I was walking across the keyboard, as you do as any good, self-respecting cat, I saw a photo of a cat on T's computer. Now, that's normally okay too -- when that cat happens to be me! But this isn't me, and this isn't just any cat. This is little-miss-black-and-white. Little-miss-I'm-not-a-matron-cat-and-I-get-to-go-on-holidays. All well and good if she's going away with E. But she was away with T too! That's just not fair!

I mean, why didn't I get to go away on holidays? I travel well. Okay, I admit, I'm a bit vocal in the car, but what good, self-respecting cat isn't? I ask you. I don't try to escape. I can lounge just as well on any deck as any little-miss! I mean, look at this. Here is the evidence:

Does that look like me on that deck? (All right, it's a bit hard to see, but you can see the little stinking bits of white on her.) Does it look like me? No, it does not. And I can assure you it is not.

So why is Chenna taking my human away? Why was Chenna chosen *before* me? I think it's because she really is the devilcat. And she's turned on the evil eye. Want proof? Take a look at this:

I'm not paranoid at all. Am I? Am I?

Dragged away on holiday

2008-03-24T23:21:00.003+11:00

Well, I supposed I asked for it. This past Easter weekend, Ellen dragged me all the way to the island. I thought after two weekends home alone this month that I might have escaped the interminable car journey and confinement indoors, but I was wrong.

Actually, it wasn't that bad. I'm getting used to the car journey, and at least E's worked out that if she changes my litter every day then I'll use it instead of the floor.

This morning I even ventured outside for a bit, while E was hanging washing on the line. But for the most part I stayed indoors and watched the world go by through the various windows.

But at the end of the day it's rather boring. There's nothing to DO down there. All E does is clack clack clack away on her computer (much the same as at home, really, I don't know why she bothers going all the way down there just for that). I get so bored I can't even be bothered eating.

Oh well, at least we're home again now.

In search of love and attention?

2008-03-17T00:38:00.002+11:00

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, Chenna. We cats have to be independent. Rely on ourselves to keep us amused. Or the six possums (two big and four little) in the palm tree. Or avoiding the horrendous teeth of little red ratface. (See, she doesn't even deserve capitals!)

Trouble is when the family get friendly, they usually want something. The other day it was pussy-tossing-at-the-mouse day again. Zam. I got the furry little blighter, and then I ran under the coffee table with it and growled at everyone. They laughed. Can't imagine why. Humans! They have no sense of propriety.

In search of love and attention

2008-03-15T00:32:00.003+11:00

Thanks be to the catgods, but this week is finally over. Although I rather enjoy my own company, enough is enough. Ellen was hardly home at all this week, and I've been so BORED. After a whole 4-day weekend with no company, she might have spent some time with me in the days following, but no! Late home every evening . . . and not until 2am on Thursday -- or should I say Friday morning? And that was how long she was at WORK!

Now the week is over, she will hopefully give me some love and attention. I deserve no less. Food and smoochies are in great order. And I intend to sit on her lap . . . LOTS.

It was good while it lasted

2008-03-11T21:43:00.003+11:00

So Ellen comes home again and the first thing she does is lock me inside during the night. How come it's OK when she's not here, but not OK all the other times?

After two weekends of freedom in a row, I was starting to get used to it.

She put all the food away too, so now I have to wait until she feeds me, or pester her until she relents. It would be so much easier if she just put all the food in a bowl and let me decide when I'm hungry. How should she know how much food I need to eat?

On patrol, intruders beware!

2008-03-07T22:54:00.003+11:00

Just dashed in for a spot of blogging, and then I'll be back outside. Oh what fun! The stars are really bright tonight as I bask on the rooftop. Nothing to keep me inside. I really think I could live like this all the time. Why does Ellen lock me inside anyway? With me patrolling outside, that ginger intruder, Zim Zam, wouldn't be able to come near my deck or my garden. It's a different matter with me outside, defending my property, rather than stuck inside. I'd like to see him come anywhere NEAR me!

If only life could be like this when Ellen is here as well. There's nothing wrong with me being outside at night. Nothing at all. It's BRILLIANT!

sleep on the stomach

2008-03-05T22:04:00.002+11:00

Damn and bother, I can't seem to get near Ellen's lap this evening. She's got her computer on her lap, so I have to make do with her stomach. I guess it's lucky that she's more or less stretched out!

I've had a nice day today, and I've just learnt that Ellen's going away yet again this weekend, so I'll be home alone again. It seems someone will come to make sure I have food. Probably her mum this time. We don't get along so well. I don't think she likes me too much.

Ellen's lap is actually quite comfortable. I don't suppose she'd be too happy to hear me say so!

Deviousness

2008-03-03T22:24:00.003+11:00

Finally the mouse spirits decided to leave me alone, thanks be to the catgods. But that stupid human, Ellen, thought it might have had something to do with my bell, so she took it off. As if I would be scared of a pesky bell!

Nevertheless, I decided that no bell was a good thing, so when she put it on me again the other day, just to see whether it was the bell that had me hiding under the couch, I waited until I saw coming home up the driveway, and then I hid under her bed! This meant that she thought I'd been hiding all day, so she took the bell off again!

Man, I rock.

I'm in a pretty good mood today, because I've just had another whole weekend home alone. E went to the island without me again. I must say I rather like this gig with the cat door hole so I can come and go all day and all night exactly as I please.

Struck down by mouse spirits

2008-02-24T20:13:00.003+11:00

I'm not feeling too good today. I haven't eaten anything at all, not even breakfast, and I've spent the entire day under the sofa, hiding from mouse spirits. Every now and again I see one of these mouse spirits and I chase it, only to realise it doesn't really exist, then I hide underneath the sofa again. I feel queasy and faint.

Oh dear lord catgod, if I promise not to kill any more mice, will you ask the spirits to leave me alone?

Rats on toast

2008-02-24T00:09:00.002+11:00

Chenna sounds like she's been doing a sterling job with the old mice. Two. Good job. Me, I've been dragged inside several times the last few weeks on the pretext of catching a mouse. A big mouse, they say, and then shove my head down at the tiniest hole underneath the dishwasher, as if that might conceal some tiny rodent. Well, I'm just a bit disdainful of all that. I'm a cat after all. Show me the mouse! Otherwise, leave me to my own devices. That's my game, my spin on life. If only those pesky humans would catch on...

New adornment

2008-02-20T20:58:00.003+11:00

Maybe it was a complete coincidence, but on the weekend Ellen bought me a new collar. This one is pink with a fashionable design printed on it. Plus it has a safety release clasp (in case I get stuck and need to free myself -- as if!). Plus it has a BELL.

A BELL?!

Why the devil has she given me a bell? I haven't ever had a bell before. It's so damn annoying to hear a little tinkle every time you so much as twitch!

Actually, I exaggerate. She may think it's going to stop me from catching things, but the reality is that it's a poxy small bell that is pitifully easy to tame. I seriously don't believe it will curtail my hunting abilities.

And anyway, she tells me that she bought it because my old collar is worn out and about to break. This new one can't even fit my catdoor magnet, so I dunno what's going to happen when the door gets fixed.

I suppose it is fitting, now I am five, to have a nice shiny new collar. Aside from the blasted bell, it's actually rather attractive.

The irrational rodent protection society

2008-02-17T23:05:00.003+11:00

Ellen is such an idiot. I mean, it's a good thing that I can catch mice, yes? To see her screech and yell at me, you'd think she wants a mouse infestation or something.

Get this. I catch her a perfectly good mouse. Okay, so it turns out not to be dead yet, but she dispenses with it anyway.

So then I go and get her another one. She walks in the door and literally screams. What's that about? Then she proceeds to rescue the mouse (which is not so far gone as the first one). She puts it in a shoebox with some water.

Now she has the nerve to ask me what to do with the mouse? Well, doh! It's not my fault she's completely irrational and is now protecting rodents. The mouse is still alive more than 24 hours later (I think she was hoping it would die) and I am left contemplating the shoebox (which is currently on top of the washing machine -- don't think I don't know exactly where it is!). She's even given it some food now!

This is completely imbecilic and irrational behaviour. It's giving me an identity crisis. I mean, I am supposed to kill rodents, aren't I? This is going to extend my need for therapy.

WIld fun and a workout

2008-02-16T08:46:00.004+11:00

I had me some wild fun last night. Even better, Ellen was home, but couldn't do anything to stop me! It was the most fun I've had in ages.

It all started with this mouse I found. I'm not going to reveal where I got it from, because that would be telling, and I'm still hoping there might be others where that came from. This particular mouse was really stupid and, while E was out for the evening, I brought it inside to play with.

Mice are by far the most fun toys because they squeak and squeal and run away from you and hide and then (doh) sneak out when they think you're not looking and then when they realise you are looking, they squeak and they squeal . . . well, you get the picture.

Before Ellen came home, I hid the mouse in her wardrobe, and she didn't suspect a thing! Then, in the dead of night, when the coast was clear, I retrieved it and the fun began again!

The stupid mouse must've squeaked too loud, because E woke up and panicked a bit, but then she gave in to my magnificence and crawled back into bed, cowering.

I tell you that mouse gave me a good workout last night! What E should realise is that a mouse workout like that is much better than this stupid starvation diet she's trying to put me on. (I say 'trying', because all it takes is for me to annoy her too much and she gives in again.)

I thought about eating the mouse, but I didn't. I don't actually like the taste of mouse much, and I thought E would appreciate me giving it to her instead. A small token of apology for disturbing her sleep? Anyway, I left it on the floor and she can do with it as she wills.

It's still there, so I think she must be admiring it.

A cat, some wine and a baby

2008-02-08T22:57:00.001+11:00

Ellen has had a busy week and I haven't seen her much. However, I saw rather too much of her yesterday evening -- her and all her friends! A whole swarm of them came around to talk about books or something. But I didn't hear them talk much about books. All they seemed to do was eat and drink wine and yammer on about some baby that also came. That poor baby (I think I heard it was four weeks old) got passed round and around until I reckon just about everybody had a hold. Even I could have had a hold, if I'd wanted! Sheesh!

I stayed way clear, because those morons always try to befriend me. You'd think they'd have worked it out by now. I am not friendly! Anyway, I came in towards the end of the evening -- because it was goddamn freezing outside -- and found a nice warm lap to sit on. J is one of those who thinks he can tame me, and I let him think so for a short while. But then he started moving his arms, which was simply too much for me to put up with! So I growled and hissed, and eventually he went home so I had to curl up on Ellen's bed instead. It was a cold night!

Diminishing portions

2008-02-01T00:02:00.000+11:00

I have a sneaking suspicion that Ellen has put me back on a diet. The scoops of food are definitely getting smaller . . . even though there is usually still three of them. Does she think I'm stupid, or what?

I thought I was onto something of late. All I need to do is sit on the keyboard when she's trying to write -- be it morning or evening, and she's doing both! -- and to get rid of me she'll give me food. It's been working a treat. Sometimes she'll even feed me four times in an evening.

But these diminishing portions are a concern. My belly starts rumbling much sooner. Doesn't she get that this means I'll just annoy her more frequently?

I'm monitoring the situation closely. Stay tuned.

Fun, fun, fun

2008-01-30T23:38:00.000+11:00

Tonight I took the blonde bimbo and little red ratface out for a walk. Man, were those dogs ever restless, especially little red because she's had a sore paw, and the vet said she had to rest it! Ha ha, didn't I have fun teasing her through the window though, earlier! She was inside, and I was out. I kept coming up and then running off. Really agitates her. I LOVE it.

So, anyway, I teed up the humans to put the stupid canines on leads, and then I led them off. I love walking at night. Hardly any dogs out, and very few cats. Just the naughty ones like me who refuse to come in. Most of the time, I followed the dogs, trotting along happily behind, and when they split up, I went with the blonde bimbo, because really she's a nice dog and most of the time we like each other. Of course, some times I like to smack her in the face too. No reason. Just to remind her of who's boss. Ratface tries to eat me though. She chased me tonight -- just before the teasing incident. That's why I had no pity for her.

Anyway, I had the best walk. Even saw a big tabby cat, but when he saw the bimbo he wasn't game to say anything and just slunk away. Not sure why he was scared of her -- didn't he know I'm boss?

Exhausted

2008-01-28T20:35:00.000+11:00

Ellen's home and the fun is over. What an amazing weekend! I confess I'm now rather exhausted after galavanting around for three days and nights.

Night adventures

2008-01-27T14:50:00.000+11:00

Well, I must say this home-alone caper is loads of fun when I'm allowed to go outside all night -- and the nights have been so balmy. I managed to chase off that ginger cat -- boy was he surprised to see me out and about!

And I even got fed! E's left out the food dispenser, so I can eat as much as I like -- until it runs out -- and then Sarah turns up to shake the food down.

It's soo much better than having to sit in a car for hours on end. And I also hear that if I had gone this weekend, I would have to put up with the ever-effervescent Jeddah! That dog does my head in.

It's amazing what a difference freedom makes. Usually I detest weekends on my own -- they can be so boring! But not when the outdoors beckon.

Now what shall I do this afternoon . . .? I still have a whole day of freedom left!

Opportunity of a lifetime!

2008-01-24T21:53:00.000+11:00

I've just found out that Ellen is going to the island this weekend, but I get to stay home. Even better, she's promised to leave the flywire screen propped open, so I have free range outside ALL WEEKEND!!

Words cannot express my joy. I am now planning just exactly what I'm going to do, where I'm going to go etc. She never would have done this before. It must because I'm five now.

Ooooh I can't wait!

Found opportunity

2008-01-20T09:18:00.000+11:00

While Chenna's boundaries seem to be contracting, mine are expanding. Hear that world? Today the neighbourhood, tomorrow the suburb! Love these megalomania moments! That's right: we're feeding another cat, and that gives me the right to go over every day (twice a day), sneak into the kitchen and eat her food. And her bits taste better than my bits. The grass is greener and all of that -- though why any animal would want to eat grass is beyond me. Where's the thrill of the hunt? Grass doesn't exactly run very fast!

Lost opportunity

2008-01-17T23:48:00.000+11:00

I might have known the freedom wouldn't last. There is, after all, a way to keep me inside. The pesky fly wire door. So I can see outside . . . I can SMELL and HEAR outside . . . I can even FEEL the air on my furry face.

But I cannot get outside.

Bother and damn.

Break for freedom

2008-01-13T10:15:00.000+11:00

Last night, I achieved the ultimate in feline freedom. After years of being forced to stay in at night, deprived of the opportunity to defend my territory, constrained to hiss and yowl at intruders through the tiny window of my cat door . . . my cat door is no more.

Yep, that's right. One cat-fight-through-the-door too many, and the thing is broken. Wrenched off its hinges. Shattered in two. Leaving a beautiful hole in the main door through which I may come and go to my heart's content.

And my heart says that I should go outside during the night as often as I wish. That'll teach that pesky ginger cat intruder (Zim Zam)!

You should have seen Ellen's face this morning when she saw the debris. Perplexity. Resignation. And even mortification, as she realised that the cat fight she heard last night might actually have been me, when she thought I was snug and secure inside. Ha! That'll teach her.

Tucker chucker

2008-01-11T23:38:00.000+11:00

This evening, I chucked up all my dinner at the front door. Dammit! I HATE chucking up my dinner for a number of reasons: 1) it leaves a gross taste in my mouth, 2) I end up hungry - although sometimes E gives me more food, 3) E usually leaves it there until I eat it up off the floor. I would so much rather she give me new food, but instead she makes me go hungry unless I eat up the stuff I've chucked! Disgusting.

It's all Ellen's fault for getting home late (9:30pm)! She then gave me all my dinner at once, instead of in small installments, and my stomach simply can't take it. Hence the chucking. If only she'd been patient and waited for me to eat installment number 1, followed by a 10 minute gap, before installment number 2. Definitely her fault.

Now I'm hungry and grumpy. Unless I go and see if the chucked up food is still there . . .

Dinner out

2008-01-07T17:32:00.001+11:00

So here's the thing: the other day the family got invited out to dinner. It wasn't far. Just over the road. The family goes and feeds their cat from time to time. This cat -- you should see this cat. It is the fattest cat that ever lived. And it gets kangaroo meat for dinner! Every night. Me, well, I prefer my tins -- as in, I *really* prefer my tins -- but we're all different I suppose.

So, I go over expecting to be welcomed, and what do they do? They laugh. Oh, ha ha ha ha. Very funny. Beth has come to visit. I mean a family invite's a family invite, right? So do they invite me in? No, they do not. Do they feed me? Alas, no. I mean, I know I was a few minutes late and all -- and admittedly one of the kids did slip me something when they were all outside, but still! Not only did I *not* get fed there, but then they all moved inside and left me outside. How rude is that? I kept calling, and I'm sure they could hear me but they ignored me. Me! The cat! They ignored the cat -- can you believe it! Perhaps I'd better read those devilcat tips more closely after all. And then the fattest cat of all time took it upon herself to come and yell at me and tell me to get off her turf. Did I listen? No, I did not. I took my time, yelled some more, and then waited for them to take me home. A good night was not had by all. Most certainly not.

Forced into a corner

2008-01-06T23:22:00.000+11:00

Was forced to use my litter tray this morning. Damn and hell, but E forgot to open my cat door at 6am when she fed me. After staring out dolefully for half an hour or so, I attempted to wake E up -- to no avail. She can be one deep sleeper! So eventually I was ready to burst and headed for the litter. I HATE using the litter tray! She had better put new stuff in, or I'm using the floor next time.

Devilcat tip #9: feet & ankles

2008-01-01T20:39:00.001+11:00

I thought I'd start off the new year with another devilcat tip -- on feet & ankles.

The first thing to remember (the only thing, really) is that ankles -- human ankles, that is -- are your enemy. For this reason, you must ATTACK whenever you see bare feet and ankles. ATTACK with claws and teeth. Pretend you are trying to disembowell the ankle and you should do fine.

The best thing is that the moment your human lifts his foot to get it out of the way -- there's the other foot to attack! They can't possibly win, except by lifting feet onto a chair, and boy do they look stupid then! He he he.

I should also add that drawing blood is perfectly OK. Your humans won't like it, and will probably shout at you, but this is about being a devilcat, after all!

NOTE: Any human who kicks you during your foot/ankle killing endeavours is evil and not worth your time, let alone devilcat skills. Leave such a human immediately and without regret. Find one who loves the devilcat persona within.

Leonidas again

2007-12-31T16:28:00.000+11:00

Great. Ellen saw The Golden Compass movie and now she's started talking about Leonidas again. I thought we were rid of him!

I really don't think it's polite of her to keep carrying on about that blasted snow leopard. Not when I'm here. And haven't I been a loyal companion for FIVE whole years now? That's dedication. But it seems to mean nothing in the face of the magnificent snow leopard.

I hate him. He'd better watch out. For even though he's about ten times my size, I alone remain the devilcat. He'd truly better watch out.

Blog anniversary

2007-12-29T22:05:00.000+11:00

As of yesterday, I am now a veteran blogger of one whole year! I never thought I would come to appreciate how therapeutic it can be to rant about my life and all its irritations. I mean, you can see why I'm a devilcat, can't you?

As this year draws to a close, I'd like to thank all my readers, especially Beth, my occasional guest blogger. Although she can be a pain in the backside, Beth's posts offer insightful observations on how to be a matron cat -- not that I'd advocate that exactly, but it takes all kinds to make up the feline world. And Beth certainly has the matron angle down pat. (he he)

So for 2008 you can expect more devilcat tips, more insights from Beth into the feline Psyche (although I'll make sure she doesn't give too much away), and more stories about ME!

Why cats hate wind

2007-12-24T20:25:00.000+11:00

I've heard all kinds of reasons: that the wind spooks us, that we're flighty like horses, that the howl of the wind sounds like a wolf and frightens us. What nonsense! No self-respecting cat is spooked by a little bit of wind. True, we might like to chase around little bits of debris that are eddying, but spooked we are not. Oh, no no no. The true reason is -- are you listening closely? -- the true reason is that we're just like humans (only don't let them hear you say it or, if you do, don't say you heard it from me) in that we hate bad hair days! And that's what the wind does. Any self-respecting cat will tell you that!

I am not aimiable!

2007-12-22T22:01:00.000+11:00

You'd think Ellen's friends would have learned by now that I hate them. She had a bunch of them over last night and it was all I could do to ignore them and stay asleep. Then E tipped me off the cushion saying she needed the seat for a guest (well, really) and so I bolted.

But there's always one . . . Or three . . . Or five . . . who remain convinced they can win me over. They mumble and mutter and wave and try all manner of demeaning actions to try to get my attention. How many times do I have to growl, bite and scratch to give them the message?

Geez, they're so annoying. I sooo have better things to do than hang around when E has friends over.

I did hear them all say that I had been very good, though. Patronising humans! Next time I'll take chunk out of every one who tries to be friendly.

How clever am I? (Answer: very clever!)

2007-12-22T19:37:00.001+11:00

Now that my -- er -- 'apron' has grown back, I'm not longer the same cat. I look different! How clever am I! My chest used to be more uniform in colour, my stripes less pronounced. I'm just going for a slightly different look. What do you think, Chenna? Not matronly at all, right? I'm thinking it's kind of sexy. If I were a boy, I'd call it my bow-tie look and think that I look suave and dapper, but I'm not a boy (the name gives it away, right?), so I'll just have to settle for pretty! Ah, if only they'd buy me something pink to sit on.

Last weekend

2007-12-22T10:23:00.000+11:00

Chenna, help! My humans are turning into your human! Last weekend they went away for four days! Four. Do you know how many that is? How many paws do you have? How many claws to a paw? It was as frustrating as seeing a big fat ugly tomcat in your yard but being trapped inside. They did, of course, organise someone to come and feed me, but he doesn't stay and talk to me and give me pats and recognise me as queen of the house. So when the humans came home I put my tail in the air and walked off. Aloof, Chenna, that's the way to do it. No need to be biting and hissing. Just play it cool. It words wonders. They know of my displeasure and will have to earn back my favour. I can expect great things!

Fluffy and ZimZam

2007-12-21T00:29:00.001+11:00

This evening -- I still can't believe it -- Ellen hobnobbed with the owners of white fluffball and the ginger cat!! She got all friendly with them and everything!!

I feel so demeaned. Trivialised.

One thing to come out of it though is that I now know that white fluffball's name is "Fluffy" and the ginger cat is "ZimZam". What kind of name is that? They're both boys, which only reinforces my poor impression of them.

Neglected

2007-12-14T22:49:00.000+11:00

I'm rather wondering why Ellen even bothered coming home. It's not as though she's been around much this week.

Do you think she'd notice if I didn't come home? I almost tried it this evening; I waited outside when she got home, instead of rushing inside for food, to see what she'd do.

But I couldn't last. I was too hungry. So I went in when she called, leaving her only mildly surprised.

Maybe I'll try again tomorrow.

Back to normal

2007-12-10T22:56:00.000+11:00

It's nice to have Ellen back, even if she goes to work all day and clacks away on her computer all evening. It's comforting clacking. (Come to think of it, she also made an awful racket with vacuuming this evening . . .)

The weekend was dull as. But at least I had visitors to dispense my food and open the cat door in the mornings. I could have wished they didn't bother shutting it at night again . . . the least E could have done was allow me to roam outside all night if she was off having fun elsewhere. It's not as though I can go hang out with my friends, if I'm stuck inside! (I do have friends - truly!)

But I survived [sigh] and I even refrained from peeing on the floor inside. She would've hated that and it would have served her right! But I didn't. Maybe Beth is teaching me some manners after all.

mutter mutter

2007-12-06T23:37:00.000+11:00

mutter mutter mutter . . . Ellen's hardly been home this week and I've been BORED. What does she mean by getting home so late every night? I mean, tonight it was after 11pm! And I get so HUNGRY while I'm waiting. And today I was LOCKED OUT by my stupid cat door which gets stuck sometimes, and it was a HOT DAY.

On the upside, I got to stay outside until 11pm tonight, which on a balmy night like tonight is way cool.

But now she tells me she's going away WITHOUT ME all weekend. And so I'll have to be more bored and rely on others to come and feed me. Geez.

mutter mutter mutter

Devilcat tip#8 - what to do with insects

2007-12-04T21:14:00.000+11:00

It's butterfly season again - glorious. You'll also find lots of flies buzzing about. Both make marvellous playthings. Fun to catch, but even better to dismember.

Just remember that the best place to do this is inside. By all means, bring your playthings in and show off to your humans just how clever you are. They'll be especially thankful if you can catch the flies that come inside of their own volition (fools). Just leave the remains on the floor and the humans will pick them up. Sometimes the butterflies are not quite dead, and their desperate, pathetic, feeble fluttering is worth a look.

You may also notice the occasional cockroach. Ah, these are fun to play with too - only take care to do so away from humans, or they'll scream - or, worse, vomit. That's what Ellen almost did when I left a half-mangled roach on the floor in her bedroom once. She didn't like that at all. He he. On the other hand, it was rather fun seeing her reaction! She likes me killing the suckers, but doesn't what to acknowledge their existence.

Other fun bugs to play with are cicadas (but they make an awful racket when you bring them inside) and spiders of course. E thinks her huntsman died of natural causes! Little does she really know.

More cat trivia

2007-12-02T12:14:00.000+11:00

More insights into feline-dom from the vet:

95% of cat owners admit they talk to their cats. (yep)
A cat can be either right-pawed or left-pawed. (nup - I can swat with either claw just as effectively)
A cat cannot see directly under its nose. This is why the cat cannot seem to find tidbits on the floor. (I just wish E would get this one!)
A cat has 230 bones in its body. A human only has 206 bones.
A cat has four rows of whiskers. (well, duh)
A cat in a hurry can sprint at about thirty-one miles per hour. (you betcha - E is always amazed how I can meet her at the front door then race around to the back and get inside before she does!)
A cat sees about six times better than a human at night because of the tapetum lucidum , a layer of extra reflecting cells which absorb light. (erm . . .?)
A cat uses its whiskers to determine if a space is too small to squeeze through. The whiskers act as feelers or antennae, helping the animal to judge the precise width of any passage.
A cat will almost never meow at another cat. Cats use this sound for humans. (and a low-grade language it is too)